when nothing feels real I like to think about taking my cats for a walk & $22 bowls of cocoa porridge & seeing a dog that reminds me of my dead one & dreaming in songs & painting my nails an ugly green & watching a movie just to rate it on Letterboxd & reading half-baked poems about loss & planning trips that’ll never land & placing a Uniqlo order & calling an old friend just to be silent & cutting my hair to see if anyone notices & writing & writing & writing & scheduling 6am runs & taking cold showers & Googling how to get abs overnight & shaking my head at fast fashion & wishing I could paint & painting & not painting & regretting having ever written & considering ‘cinema employee’ my only career option & maybe trying pottery & even loving pottery & being a potter & tossing words away & only caring about clay & working with my hands & being a man’s man & not kissing boys & drowning my nails in acetone & going to a breeder & buying a dog & never being home & eating more meat &

being more me in a really really real way